Incoherently Yours

I may be known for being a tad bit stubborn. But I think being stubborn is helping me through this. The day Rory died was not the hardest day of my life. Living without her, day after day after empty day, is the hardest part. That day in the hospital, as we held her and loved on her and released her from the pain forever, was a strange day. A day full of love, stubborn hope, fear, sadness, and strangely, peace. My stubborness could not keep Rory alive and well. But my stubborness is helping me cling to all I know to be true. There is a song by Selah called "I Will Carry You". The song is written by a family who also went through infant loss. When they told the mother her daughter would not live outside the womb, she said, “I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room.” There is another song called "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts. This song pierced me to the core and before we had even concieved Rory, it became my anthem. An ant

This God stuff is a pain in the butt to work through. I have noticed over the years that my theology has changed. I don’t think that is a bad thing. I think as we learn, we grow. As we mature, we realize that what we once thought was a cornerstone of salvation may just be a sidenote. Things we may have once been pretty much willing to fight to the death for become things you’re willing to just wait and find out once you’re in heaven with the person you disagree with. (Doesn’t stop you from imagining saying, “Haha! Told ya!” though does it?) Anyway. The devastating event of losing Rory has forced me to once again contemplate my theology. What do I believe? What can I still believe? What is still true? There are things that are concrete for me. God is God. God is love. God loves me. I am saved. The Trinity. Heaven. These things are black and white for me. Other things may be a grey area, and heck, some areas are flippin’ rainbows, but I am grounded enough to know that

 Sheldon's side of the closet. Complete with two IKEA PAX systems.  My side of the closet. Complete with two IKEA PAX systems. I love the pants hanger thingers. And my shoe racks. Ok, I love it all.  The middle of the closet. Yes, I have triple the amount of clothing Sheldon has. And yes, those are a bazillion stuffed cows up there.  I made it a perty entry to my perty closet. My window seat will hopefully be getting finished soon, but I put up the window treatments while I'm waiting! Keeping busy helps.