Incoherently Yours

Just to show you how bipolar I can be, here is another post! Because I’m actually not depressed today, I just needed to get the previous post written down and out of my system. Fall is here! And today! Today I am going to roast beets. And attempt to eat beet greens. Weird. I’ve only ever had them pickled. I love pickled beets. So we shall see. I organized my cold room last night. There is something immensely satisfying about having shelves full of pickles, peaches, beets, raspberry cordial, apple juice, apple sauce, apple butter, and apple syrup. I just have this year’s crop of beets to pickle, and I may attempt to make apple jelly again, since my apple syrup was not intentional. And then begins the tomato creations. I enjoyed my garden this year. The last two years I have been pregnant and not allowed to move/in the hospital/wishing I was dead, when garden harvest time came around. Now I have ten foot sunflowers, eight foot corn, hills and hills of potato...

September 12 th was a terrible day. Actually, the eighteen days of August 26 th – September 12 th were rather awful. I’m beginning to understand that it never really gets easier… you just get farther away from the pain. Time, heartless, cold time takes you away from the moment of despair. Babies are born, things change, life gets busy again. You don’t spend your days under the covers weeping. In the midst of life, there are triggers and you feel the wave of sorrow about to bowl you over and you make a quick detour to avert is because you just can’t right now. Because Kadon needs his bum changed, he needs kisses and hugs, he needs attention… he needs me. But there are times, times when he doesn’t need me at the moment. And the last two years are swept away as if they never happened and I find myself exactly where I was the day she died. I remember holding her, skin-to-skin, against my heart. I remember them taking the tube out of her mouth. I remember the way it felt to have m...

I haven’t been writing much. August went by in a blur. Kadon’s birthday, my sister’s visit, Rory’s birthday – August was an emotional month. And it has continued into September. I felt obligated to write a birthday post for Kadon. I felt obligated to write a birthday post for Rory. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t know how. I felt conflicted; like I didn’t know which set of emotions to pick and run with. Kadon’s post should be all happy, right? Rory’s post should be wistful and sad, right? But those emotions aren’t mutually exclusive. This year, their birthdays felt intertwined.                 My darling boy, the light of my life, turned one. We celebrated. We sang Happy Birthday. We threw a party. We laughed. We ate cake. We opened presents. We took pictures. … We cried. Because she wasn’t there. Rory wasn’t there to try to blow out his candles, to try to steal his limelight and his presents. She wasn’t th...

There have been a lot of babies born lately. I have quite a few friends who are pregnant, expecting, or have itty bitty babies. There’s a lot of baby talk going on and my mind is often ruminating on all the choices given to moms. It makes me think about my choices and why I made them. In navigating the hormone fraught waters of mommyhood sometimes I wonder if I’m saying too much or sharing too little. I think back over conversations and wonder if my comments and suggestions were helpful or overwhelming. So I decided to write down all of the “advice” I would give to moms. If I had the chance to just sit down and blather about my own decisions and challenges I’ve had with Kadon without fear of offending anyone, because hey! You don’t have to read this. J And you can take what you read with a grain of salt and either agree or disagree – it matters not!                   I’ve discovered I am passionat...

               It’s amazing how insecurities can be paralyzing. I’m twenty-five years old and I’m just starting to become comfortable owning myself as a writer. I still blush when people praise my blog and sometimes I still have to make an effort to not deflect the compliment.                 I am a writer. I write. I love to write. I can’t ever really remember not writing. I am in the middle of writing a Christian romance novel. It’s taking a long, long, long time. Sure, life gets in the way, but I think the biggest issue is there are times I convince myself it is all drivel and I just stop writing.         "This is stupid. This is lame. No one is going to want to read this. Hasn’t this story already been done?"             Oh the inner dialo...

Kadon probably thinks that... ·          Singing about everything – cottage cheese, bananas, naps, toys, poopy diapers, you name it – is normal. He will probably think he lives in a musical. ·          Being covered in thousand of smooches is normal. ·          Being carried around upside down is normal. ·          His mother talking out loud, dictating scenes in the book she is working on to the air is normal. ·          His mother carrying on a “discussion” with his father… long after the father has left the house… is normal. ·          Moths are poisonous, murderous, evil beasts. ·          There are gypsies who will buy him for a dollar when he is being naughty ·   ...

My mind won’t go to sleep. Time to jot a thought or two. I’m 25. I think I’m good with it. Sheldon threw me an amazing surprise dinner party at my favorite restaurant, Piccolo Italia, in Barrhead. He reserved the whole place (it’s the cutest place, only 28 people fit) and we had a feast of bread dipped in balsamic vinegar and olive oil, bruschetta, salad, risotto, quail, gelato, and tiramisu! My sister came to visit Kadon and I (and a few other people, I guess… maybe…) for the weekend. I am so happy I got to share my surprise with her. I think she should move back here. Snow for 6+ months of the year, mud and mosquitoes for the other couple months – c’mon! It’s great here! Terry, Larissa, and Judah spent the week with us. I am so grateful to have friends who have grown with us. From college kids, to married couples, to couples with kids… we have accepted and embraced each other’s chaos and become closer through it all! We also happened to have Lily this week, so it was fun...