Stubborn

I may be known for being a tad bit stubborn. But I think being stubborn is helping me through this. The day Rory died was not the hardest day of my life. Living without her, day after day after empty day, is the hardest part.

That day in the hospital, as we held her and loved on her and released her from the pain forever, was a strange day. A day full of love, stubborn hope, fear, sadness, and strangely, peace.

My stubborness could not keep Rory alive and well. But my stubborness is helping me cling to all I know to be true. There is a song by Selah called "I Will Carry You". The song is written by a family who also went through infant loss. When they told the mother her daughter would not live outside the womb, she said, “I think that my Jesus is the same as He was before I walked into this room.”

There is another song called "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts. This song pierced me to the core and before we had even concieved Rory, it became my anthem. An anthem of faith, of surrender, of trust. It's not an easy song to sing. But it's right. Because at the end of the day God is God.

No matter what.

Even if I never get pregnant.

Even if I miscarry.

Even if my precious Rory dies in my arms.

No matter what.

Is it faith? Or stubborness? Perhaps a bit of both.

So now that the worst has happened, my baby girl has died, my worst fear realized, my nightmare my reality -  my stubbornness grits my teeth and glares Heavenward and whispers angrily, "No. Matter. What."

Comments

  1. Ransom loves this song. We love you and miss you. Carey, Owen & Ransom

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  2. Great post kt - that song really is so good - it's so hard trusting/believing/standing strong in faith in a God that is there... but not always doing what makes sense to us... sigh. And Rory is just chilling around with Him and understanding everything... Countdown to your trip to Leanne - yay! Hope you have the most wonderful time! much love, nikki

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