Incoherently Yours

Oh, lil baby, I am excited you are growing! I can't wait to meet you (In a strictly keep your cute butt in my womb where you belong for a long time sort of way.) I've been a week and a half without heartburn - Halle-freakin-lujah! Been feeling pretty good. Craving all things sweet and despising vegetables. Silly baby. Baby can hear us now! So now I'm going to start reading stories to him/her. So. I'm having another baby. YAY! (and thank you God for the ability to compartmentalize!)

It’s so strange to have the six month anniversary of Rory dying be the first day of my second trimester. I don’t know how to write a celebratory pregnancy post. Because I am so happy this baby is on the way and it is so good to have something to look forward to. But at the same time, when light shines in the darkness – it hurts my eyes. This new baby doesn’t make losing Rory any easier. I know lots of people would love to think it does. It does not. New baby is a blessing, a relief, a surprise… and an endless amount of fear, uncertainty, and confusion. I do not walk through life thinking, “It won’t happen to me.” Because it did. I lost Rory. The unthinkable, the unimaginable happened. There is a loss of innocence when you lose a child. I do not feel safe. I do not feel ensured of a happy ending. Some may say, “Trust God!” I do. I have. I did. And Rory still died. Trusting God does not mean everything is going to be fine. You can trust God and your life c...