Of Love, Loss, Hope, and Fear.

It’s so strange to have the six month anniversary of Rory dying be the first day of my second trimester.




I don’t know how to write a celebratory pregnancy post. Because I am so happy this baby is on the way and it is so good to have something to look forward to. But at the same time, when light shines in the darkness – it hurts my eyes.



This new baby doesn’t make losing Rory any easier. I know lots of people would love to think it does. It does not. New baby is a blessing, a relief, a surprise… and an endless amount of fear, uncertainty, and confusion. I do not walk through life thinking, “It won’t happen to me.” Because it did. I lost Rory. The unthinkable, the unimaginable happened.



There is a loss of innocence when you lose a child. I do not feel safe. I do not feel ensured of a happy ending. Some may say, “Trust God!” I do. I have. I did. And Rory still died. Trusting God does not mean everything is going to be fine. You can trust God and your life can still fall apart. Trusting God is trusting He will be there with you, He won’t leave you, and in eternity everything will be ok. Some may say, “Oh don’t think that, think positively!” I am not Buddha, thank-you. I try not to dwell on the what ifs and the what coulds. Honestly, I try not to think about it at all. Not that it works, but I do try. I would love to believe that lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice; that God would never allow another child to be taken from me. But I also used to believe God would never allow any child to be taken from me.



. I am praying and hoping for a healthy baby we get to take home. Of course I am. We are preparing for a July baby, hopeful for an August baby, and would be ecstatic for a September baby. I am trying to relax, and be calm. I meditate on Psalm 24:4 “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me.” And I constantly remind myself to be still and know God is God.



At the beginning of this pregnancy I felt detached and unsure. The concept of another baby, especially one we conceived on our own without fertility treatment, was surreal. But I am attached. I can’t help it. This little life inside of me is my baby. I am helplessly protective and terrifyingly in love with my baby. But as I am carrying this new life, I am walking in the valley of the shadow of death. So please, pray for me.

Comments

  1. Of course. Always praying. And maybe a couple of betamethasone shots for baby's lungs at some point wouldn't hurt, either!

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  2. I have been reading since Rory. Still praying. May you have peace and enjoy this special life that is kicking and moving in your beautiful tummy. Everytime you post, I weep. Today is no different. It must feel so bittersweet to be pregnant but still yearning for Rory. Funny how the internet makes friends out of strangers. I think of you daily. God bless you and keep you.
    ~ Beth

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  3. Such strong light in the darkness will always cause pain in your eyes. I'm hoping and praying that your eyes adjust.

    Walking with you and Sheldon, every step of the way!! We've been praying non-stop for you!! I know that it doesn't always offer hope because of what happened... but what else do we have if we have no hope? Faith, Hope, and Love... I've been holding on to these the whole ride (albeit, a little loosely sometimes).

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