30 Weeks, 4 Days


                Rory was born at 30 weeks, 4 days.

                Today I am 30 weeks, 4 days into my second pregnancy.

                Today is just a confusing, sad day for me. Of course I’m thrilled we made it this far. No duh. I guess my thoughts are just full of Rory today. I’m glad Tater isn’t coming right now. I’m glad it seems like I will go much further in this pregnancy.

                But at the same time my heart is aching, wondering why this baby gets to stay inside where it’s safe… and Rory didn’t.

                Today is just a bad day. It’s dragging on and on. Just like this week has. It’s like time decided to stand still the moment I turned 30 weeks. It doesn’t help that every day I wonder, “Is this the day?” I could be doing this for ten weeks. I’m driving myself crazy. Every twinge and pang I’m like, “WHAT WAS THAT? Did that hurt? Did I feel that with Rory?” And then, when I’m in the right frame of mind, I giggle at my craziness and move on. On days like today I stay in my PJ’s and keep Kleenex nearby. I just wish I could know WHEN. Will this baby go full term? Do I have another week of grace? Another two weeks? Another four?

                Ugh.

                Thankfully, this coming week is full of distractions. I know in the end, this time will just be like a drop in the ocean. But man, it’s pretty hard right now. Sheldon just tells me to just take it day by day and be thankful for each day Tater stays put. So that’s the plan. And I’m sure once this day is over, it’ll get easier.

                It’s just today… but soon it will be over.

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