Incoherently Yours

                I did something kind of crazy recently. Something that scared me. Something that impassioned me. Something that empowers me.                 I became an Independent Consultant for Arbonne.                 I know, earth shattering right? Who knew selling hand cream could affect me this way?                 The thing is, I’d been passively looking for something to supplement our income. I’d occasionally flip through the Job Opportunities in the paper, knowing I wouldn’t ever really find something I’d be willing to drive an hour for and spend all day away from Kadon for. But there was just a part of me that wanted to contribute. The first time I got my Child Tax Cheq...

I meant to do weekly updates on my new fitness regime, T25. However, I am on day two of the third week so, y’know, best intentions and all that. So let’s see. For starters, I am still alive. There is this little chart that comes with the DVD’s where you tick off whether you Nailed! The work-out or whether you Barely Made It. After the first few days I was tempted to just tick off Barely Made It for the front part of the chart. (I didn’t even want to think about the flip side of the chart – where apparently the work-outs get “amped up”. I probably will die then. Send flowers.) I knew I would feel discouraged and weak the first week. And I did. I most certainly did. I was wondering how on earth this could possibly work when it felt like I was spending most of my time wondering how I was supposed to lift knees no longer connected to my body, or how I was supposed to get off the floor and sprint when there had obviously been a major super glue accident and I was glued to the ...

Today I started a Challenge. I started the T25 FOCUS program by Shaun T – the creator of the Insanity Workouts (BeachBody). Basically it’s interval training. At first I was turned off by the name BeachBody. My goal in life is not to be able to strut around in a bikini. I thought maybe this was a program for those already skinny people to become even more skinny, hot, and totally absorbed in their own looks. I was pretty skeptical about the nutritional shake that came with the program as well. I decided to give it a try because I wanted to do the program as a whole. I’m very happy to say, after doing some reading, talking to my friend, Sarah, who is a BeachBody coach, and reading the ingredients list on the back of Shakeology, I am becoming a convert! This program is concerned with health and nutrition, two things I am trying to focus on. I’m really excited about the fantastic ingredients in the shake, including superfoods and cancer fighting herbs, with no hidden, scary i...

Just to show you how bipolar I can be, here is another post! Because I’m actually not depressed today, I just needed to get the previous post written down and out of my system. Fall is here! And today! Today I am going to roast beets. And attempt to eat beet greens. Weird. I’ve only ever had them pickled. I love pickled beets. So we shall see. I organized my cold room last night. There is something immensely satisfying about having shelves full of pickles, peaches, beets, raspberry cordial, apple juice, apple sauce, apple butter, and apple syrup. I just have this year’s crop of beets to pickle, and I may attempt to make apple jelly again, since my apple syrup was not intentional. And then begins the tomato creations. I enjoyed my garden this year. The last two years I have been pregnant and not allowed to move/in the hospital/wishing I was dead, when garden harvest time came around. Now I have ten foot sunflowers, eight foot corn, hills and hills of potato...

September 12 th was a terrible day. Actually, the eighteen days of August 26 th – September 12 th were rather awful. I’m beginning to understand that it never really gets easier… you just get farther away from the pain. Time, heartless, cold time takes you away from the moment of despair. Babies are born, things change, life gets busy again. You don’t spend your days under the covers weeping. In the midst of life, there are triggers and you feel the wave of sorrow about to bowl you over and you make a quick detour to avert is because you just can’t right now. Because Kadon needs his bum changed, he needs kisses and hugs, he needs attention… he needs me. But there are times, times when he doesn’t need me at the moment. And the last two years are swept away as if they never happened and I find myself exactly where I was the day she died. I remember holding her, skin-to-skin, against my heart. I remember them taking the tube out of her mouth. I remember the way it felt to have m...

I haven’t been writing much. August went by in a blur. Kadon’s birthday, my sister’s visit, Rory’s birthday – August was an emotional month. And it has continued into September. I felt obligated to write a birthday post for Kadon. I felt obligated to write a birthday post for Rory. But I didn’t. Because I didn’t know how. I felt conflicted; like I didn’t know which set of emotions to pick and run with. Kadon’s post should be all happy, right? Rory’s post should be wistful and sad, right? But those emotions aren’t mutually exclusive. This year, their birthdays felt intertwined.                 My darling boy, the light of my life, turned one. We celebrated. We sang Happy Birthday. We threw a party. We laughed. We ate cake. We opened presents. We took pictures. … We cried. Because she wasn’t there. Rory wasn’t there to try to blow out his candles, to try to steal his limelight and his presents. She wasn’t th...

There have been a lot of babies born lately. I have quite a few friends who are pregnant, expecting, or have itty bitty babies. There’s a lot of baby talk going on and my mind is often ruminating on all the choices given to moms. It makes me think about my choices and why I made them. In navigating the hormone fraught waters of mommyhood sometimes I wonder if I’m saying too much or sharing too little. I think back over conversations and wonder if my comments and suggestions were helpful or overwhelming. So I decided to write down all of the “advice” I would give to moms. If I had the chance to just sit down and blather about my own decisions and challenges I’ve had with Kadon without fear of offending anyone, because hey! You don’t have to read this. J And you can take what you read with a grain of salt and either agree or disagree – it matters not!                   I’ve discovered I am passionat...